


all the blood that i would bleed

by phoebo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-21 15:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoebo/pseuds/phoebo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where One Direction is the best still-not-discovered rock band in the world, Harry fucks things up a little and Louis discovers it in the worst way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all the blood that i would bleed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elisewin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisewin/gifts).



Louis wakes up and it's snowing outside. White light fills the room and the cold air makes the curtains dance with grace.  
He yawns loudly and stretches his arms, trying carefully not to wake up Harry, who's still snoring softly by his side. The heavy blanket hinders his moves, but he manages to slip out of the bed anyway without making anything but muffled noises.

He puts the teapot on the boiler, and sits at the table waiting for his boyfriend to wake up. The calendar on the wall says it's the twenty first of December and big, colourful letters in Harry's childish handwriting remind his that tonight it's _SHOW TIME!!!_ , as if he could forget it.  
He smiles to himself, thinking that Liam is probably freaking out -- and he may already left about ten message, but he's still to sleepy to check his phone -- and Zayn's too hungover to remember that he has to play his bass with them today.

Harry finally enters the room with sleepy eyes, wearing nothing but his boxers low on his hips and his morning elegance, waving a piece of paper towards him. Louis recognize it as the bill of tonight's gig, and nods glancing at the calendar because _yes, God, I remember_. He kisses Harry's mouth softly, and after all this moths this is still the best wake up gift he has ever received.  
Harry curls his lips faking disappointment.  
«'s not fair,» he mumbles, «you had time to wash your teeth and I didn't.»  
Louis rolls his eyes, laughing softly. «I made tea.» he says, pouring some in two cups. Harry smiles.  
«You nervous about tonight?» he asks, taking a sip.  
«Not at all.» answers Louis, and he means it. «We played in Nick's bar, like, a hundred times. I'm excited, though. I mean, we have some new stuff that people might like.»  
«Come on, Lou,» Harry says, «people love us. We are One Direction, the coolest still-not-discovered group in town.»  
«Yeah, 'cause we have the prettiest singer in the world.» blinks Louis.  
«The keyboard player's is quite hot too.»  
Louis kisses him again just because he can.

*

_(This is a memory and it starts with a piece of paper of the same kind, and Liam is holding it in his hand shaking slightly._  
He enters the small bar, trying not to stumble on his own feet, wondering why the hell he took the leaflet in the first place. Well, he can play the drum, of course, and he knows he's pretty good at it, but he has never been in a band. What if they don't like him? What if he's not good enough? What if--  
«Hey you!» a loud voice echoes in the empty place. «The show's not until ten tonight!»  
Liam swallows hard and sighs.  
«I-- uhm, actually I'm here because of this.» he says glancing at the paper. The other guy smiles really hard and runs toward him to hug him. Well, wow.  
«Thank God in Heaven!» he says. «I was actually convinced that none would ever, ever apply for this place. I was calling it a fiasco, but then you came!» he says even louder. «So what's your name, beautiful? And don't make that face, lad, you are. But we'll have to work on that hair, Justin Bieber's haircut isn't really that rock band style.»  
«Liam.» he says, and he suddenly feels happy and warm. He puts an hand into his hair, tugging slightly. «Is it actually this bad?»  
Louis grins. «The worst, Liam.»)

*

This is probably their best performance so far. Zayn's not too stoned to forget the notes, Liam is so focused he doesn't miss a beat with his drum, Niall's new guitar has this soft sound that combines in a wonderful way with Harry's rough voice, and Louis does some pretty good improvisations.  
The crowd is loud, people dance in circles holding their beer in the little exhibition room Nick set up for them.  
At the end of the show, after the one which is supposed to be the last song, Harry glances in Niall's direction and he hands him his acoustic guitar. Louis frowns, taken by surprise, and looks at Harry slightly confused. Harry just smiles, and starts talking to crown.  
«So, uhm, this is something that I didn't planned at all.» Zayn snorts loudly, and Harry laughs. «In a few days someone I care about -- a lot, actually, -- is going to celebrate his birthday. I do hate birthday songs, really, but I thought that maybe I could still sing something to this person.» The crowd giggles and the girls sighs loudly, wishing it was for them. Harry fidgets and bites his lower lip, and sits on a little chair that Louis didn't even notice. «Happy birthday, Boo. This is Boats and Birds by the way, written by Gregory and the Hawk. I love you.»  
Louis just swallows hard, his chest aching because of his happiness, love pumping in his veins.  
He whispers _I love you_ to himself, the sound Harry's clumsy fingers clipping the strings rumbling in his mind. He has never been this happy.

*

_(This is a memory, and it starts with a boy leaving Ireland with a backpack and  guitar.  
«I'm going to be fine, mum.» he says, kissing her on her cheek. She tries to hide little, shiny tears. She nods, and lets him go._

_Niall travels across the island, sleeping anywhere and using his happiness and humor to make people love him. He feels alone, though. He is._  
So he takes the first train to Doncaster, composing sad songs through all the way and delighting the other passengers with his clumsy voice, and he ends up in a bar where two guys are chatting loudly. He sits in a corner, careful not to break his instrument, and stare.  
«Hey, blondie jn the corner!» one of them says. Niall points at his chest and whispers, me? The guy nods. «Are you here on holiday?» he asks.  
«No, I'm traveling across England to find a job and a place to live.»  
«And you can play the guitar, as I can see.»  
Niall smiles, tapping lightly on the case. «She's the best part of me.»  
«Good to know, mate, good to know.» says the guy grinning. «Because now I'm going to find you a job and a place to live, and you are going to play in my band and have the best time of your life, ye' Irish boy.»  
Niall laughs. «Sounds like an amazing plain.»  
«It is.») 

*

Niall is walking around the house singing loudly that embarrassing song by Mariah Carey, and Louis thanks God that Christmas happens to be one times a year because there's no way he could stand this another twenty four hours. Liam is trying to put the gold star at the top of the tree because Zayn ran into it for the zillionth time, and Harry just hums the words along Niall just to make him angrier. Louis wants to scream that's _his_ birthday and they should definitely follow his rules and wishes, but he really can't say no to Harry when he makes those puppy eyes.  
His family is coming at his house in a couple of hours, but Harry promised him that he was going to throw a party at Nick's to celebrate the big occasion.

But, well, he promised him a week ago, so he doesn't really know if the plan is still on. Harry has been distant during the last few days, and although Louis pretends he doesn't care he is slightly worried. Harry is a quiet person indeed, but not this quiet. Well, not this distant anyway. Or maybe he has always been miles away and he didn't even notice? Louis doesn't know what to think. He only knows for sure that, whatever "it" is, it started the day after the concert.

He spots Harry looking for something to drink in the fridge, and he approaches him determined to discover something more.  
«Hey,» he says softly, hugging him from behind, «party at Nick's tonight, yeah?»  
Harry turns slowly, facing him, a tight smile on his lips. «Yeah.» he whispers. «He's waiting for us at nine o'clock.» he adds.  
Louis swallows, desperately trying to talk. «Knowing him, he invited half of the gay community here in Doncaster.»  
Harry just laughs and leaves, but he doesn't sound convinced. At all.  
Louis sighs, his knees suddenly giving up, steadying himself on the counter. What the hell.

*

The music is loud, flashing lights run all around the wall. Too many people -- Louis thinks he may know half of them, but maybe that's too optimistic -- walk around the big dining room at Nick's house chatting and drinking and exchanging Christmas greetings as the situation requires, but Louis can't seem to enjoy the party. _His party_ , by the way.

«Hey, mate.» Zayn taps his fingers on his shoulder, looking pretty stoned -- and that's Zayn usual state of being, so there's nothing to be worried about, really -- and happy. He is holding a joint in his right hand, and Louis acknowledge the fact that he'll have to clean up _a lot_ tomorrow.  
«Wha _ssup_ , mate.» he hears himself saying, and he didn't realize until now that he is a bit more than tipsy. Still, this doesn't bother him. It's a party, isn't it, people are supposed to drink and have fun. (He records in a small part of his mind that he doesn't quite remember how to be happy and enjoy a party without Harry by his side, and he can't find his boyfriend by now. This is what is bothering him, after all.)  
«Nick was looking for you.» Zayn manages to say, stumbling on every word, but Louis still catches the message.  
Nick is never looking for him. Nick is always looking for Harry, and it's because of him that the two of them have this kind-of-relationship. (Louis can't decide if he likes Nick or not. A part of him -- the overprotective one, the one that revolves around Harry (an awfully big part of him) really hates him, because his kind of funny but mischievous charm is really similar to his, and he was (is) scared of losing Harry because of him. The other one -- the curious one, the bitchy part of him -- likes Nick too much for the same reasons.)  
Still, he finds Nick leaned against the wall courting a young guy with a shy smile on his face, checks flushed and eyes bright because of whatever Nick is telling him.  
«Hey, birthday boy!» Nick says loudly when he sees him, the other one completely forgotten -- Louis can't help but smile at the disappointed look that No Name gives him. Nick attempts to hug him but he ends up stumbling on him laughing hard.  
«Heard you had something to tell me, Grimmers.» Louis answers, because he really wants to go and look for his boyfriend now.  
«Nothing special, mate, just wanted to say happy birthday. And apparently it's past midnight, so merry Christmas!» Nick checks his watch and nods. Louis thanks him with a smile, and he turns to leave but Nick grabs him arm softly.  
«Looking for Harry?» he asks, a friendly smile on his lips. Louis is really suspicious, now.  
«Yeah, actually.»  
«I saw him going out to take a breath five minutes ago, he should be on the balcony at the second floor.» He frowns for a second, and then stares at Louis really deeply, eyes wandering into his soul as if he's trying to contort him. «Heard the big news?» he asks.  
Louis freezes. «What news?»  
Nick cocks and eyebrow. «You really don't know?»  
«No,» says Louis harshly, «I don't. What are you talking about?»  
Nick hesitates for a second. «I really shouldn't be the one who tells you, Lou. Harry should.»  
Louis feels anger pumping in his veins, his breath coming faster. «You _fucked_ him?»  
«Fuck, no!» Nick says laughing, a bit relieved. «I didn't and I'm not, like, interested. Thank you.»  
«Nick,» Louis sighs, calmer now, «don't fuck with me, please. Just tell me, Harry will not know you were the one who told me.»  
Nick swallows hard, and looks down. «Last night, at the gig, a friend of mine came to see you. He's big in the music scene, you know, and I think he taped you all and showed to his boss.» he waits to see Louis' reaction, but he doesn't show any kind of feelings. «So, uh, they saw you, and apparently they found Harry really, really good.»  
Louis waits patiently, the party completely forgotten.  
«The offered him a solo contract, Lou. I'm sorry he didn't tell you, I thought that, being his boyfriend, he would have asked your opinion first.» he says.  
«Well, apparently he didn't.» Words taste bitter on his tongue, the alcohol going through his body feels incredibly heavy and his head aches.  
«Hey, grumpy.»  
A voice behind him whispers soft words near his ears, hot breath ghosting on his neck. He turns to face a smiling and slightly tired Harry, and something moves inside his stomach and it might be fear, it might be anger, it might be disappointment and Louis wouldn't still be able to recognize it, or to get over it.  
He sighs and places a kiss on the corner of Harry's mouth earning a satisfied smile.  
«You don't look well, love. Maybe we should head home?» Harry asks, looking sincerely concerned. Louis wants to punch himself.  
«Yeah, might be a good idea.» he mumbles, trying to force out a smile.  
Harry says goodbye to Nick and then he drives them home.

Later, in bed, he holds Louis tightly in his arms.  
«Merry Christmas, Lou.» he says in a low voice, and these words cover Louis like a blanket. He still manages to be really, really cold.

Yes, he thinks, _Merry fucking Christmas to you, too_. He's not really in the mood to be happy and joyous about Santa and gifts.

*

Christmas is snowy and cheerful and everything Christmas is supposed to be, with hot chocolate curled up in bed and the family all around the table and his sisters dancing around the big table in his childhood's house.  
Anne and Jay are chatting at the counter, and everything is so perfect that Louis tries to forget for the entire day the _thing_.

So he lets the days pass keeping the thought hidden in a very small part of his heart, closing it like a Pandora box in a corner of his mind.  
He can just ignore it, right? He can do it, obviously. He has fought harder fights.

*

No, ok, he definitely can't. Shit.

*

Harry wraps himself against him and suddenly it's New Year's Eve and they have their little concert in Nick's bar, as usual, and Louis never felt so guilty in his entire life. He isn't the one who's supposed to feel like this, though, but he have this incredibly big weight on his chest right now and the carefully hidden box inside his head is starting to move and shake.

So he pushes it aside one more time, and he lets the music take over his mind and plays like he has never played before.  
His sadness pours through his fingers and he listens to Harry's voice like it's just a background noise, and he hates him so much, he hates him, he hates.  
And then it's over and their last song feels like their very last, his breath is bitter with alcohol and his eyes are sad but he brings his tears back, because he can feel Liam staring at him worried like just Liam can be. It's really, really painful.

He greets people with a fake smile and it's a quarter to twelve.  
Niall walks towards him and says, blinking, «Harry's looking for you, Lou. I think he wants his midnight kiss and shit.» Louis doesn't bother to give him an answer.

Harry hugs him lightly, and the feathery touch makes Louis cry. He doesn't, but he decides he can't pretend anymore.  
«When were you going to tell me, Haz?» he says.  
Harry just looks at him, and never looked so sad. «So you know.» Louis nods. «Nick?» Harry asks again. Louis just shrugs.  
«You should sign it, you know.» he says like it's no big deal, like he can't feel the weight of the whole fucking world on his shoulders.  
«No!»  Harry grabs his hand. «This is why I didn't tell you, Lou, cause I knew you would say that. I- I'm not sure I want to to. I don't want to lave the band, I don't want to leave you.»  
Louis closes his eyes. «I don't really want to hear this, Harry. I'm just really, really tired.» he says, and he turns to leave.  
«I'm going home.» Harry whispers.  
«Yeah, don't wait up.»

The clocks strikes midnight. He has no one to kiss.

*

_(This is a memory, and it starts with two teenagers skipping chemistry. As usual._  
Louis and Zayn are sitting in a little park near the school, and it may not be the smartest thing but they couldn't care less, really.  
«My sister's in love with that new guy from X Factor, the shitty one with a gay face.» Louis says, taking a drag from Zayn's cigarette. Zayn shrugs.  
«Not very original, you know. It's not that hard when you have a pretty smile and you can play the guitar.»  he grins. «And Lou, you have the gayest face too, listen to me.»  
Louis punches him on his shoulder, but then he laughs louder. «I want to have easy gir-- oh, boys, yeah, I know -- too!» he complains dramatically.  
Zayn shrugs again. «Let's form a band, then. You can play the keyboard, don't you?»  
Louis looks at him with wide eyes, and then stands up as quickly as he can. «That's the coolest thing you've ever said in your whole life, Zayny-boy!» he says, and then leans in to whisper something in his ear. «I heard the bassist is the one that gets the most.»  
Zayn laughs. «I heard your pretty boy, Harry, has the hell of a voice.»

 _Zayn learns to play the bass._  
Louis kisses Harry at a party, and asks him to join the band. Harry accepts with a compromise: he's the one that chooses the name.)

*

He finds Zayn who's about to leave for another party, and he tells him everything crying softly on his shoulder. Zayn just hugs him really tightly, and tells him he is going to make him forget it for one night. Louis isn't sure that this is what he's supposed to do, but he goes anyway. Niall goes with them, and he puts his arm around Louis' wait. He silently thanks him.

Zayn's friends are loud and out of their mind, and Louis hates them with all of his soul and body.  
They give hum this little white pills that look like freedom to him, and he takes them with a glass of vodka. They suck, but the effect strikes him pretty fast.

He suddenly sees white, and then again all the colours of the room look brighter and brighter. He looks at his chest and he can see his heart bleeding and he smiles because he know, and he just hopes to be the only one who can see it. Except Zayn, well, he should know it.  
He feel him, laughing hard, «Can't you see my broken heart? It won't heal again, it's bleeding all over the place. My t-shirt is all stained, why can't you see that?» and he takes another sip of alcohol and then he falls against a sofa and his heart is still bleeding but suddenly the room is just black.

*

He wakes up and it's five o'clock and his head aches like never before, and he calls a taxi and he heads home. The streets are empty and the sun isn't still up, cold fog fills the air and messes up with his mind.  
He struggles with the door to open it because his keys can't seem to fit in, and his flat is silent.  
Harry is sleeping on the couch, his blanket fallen down, and Louis can see him shivering. He curls up against him, and whispers. «I'm sorry.», and again «I love you.»  
Harry doesn't open his eyes but presses harder against him, saying something against his skin. «I know.» and adds «I don't want to leave.»  
I know, thinks Louis, but you should, and Harry understands, because he always does.

*

_(This is a memory, and it starts as their first kiss._  
(Louis wonders how their last will be, if bitter or sweet, and he decides that there's not going to be a last one.)  
There isn't that much to tell, really, but it's still pretty fucking amazing, thank you very much.)

*

The train station is cold, and Louis can see his hot breath making white smoke in the air. It's beautiful, he thinks.  
But Harry is leaving, and that's not beautiful at all. The goodbye he is about to say feels event worst.

Liam hugs Harry lightly, giving him a sad smile. Niall holds him for a long time, whispering something in his ear that makes him laugh a bit. Zayn doesn't touch him, and just glances him with an expression full of unsaid words. Harry understands.

Louis knows it's his turn now, and he waits for Harry  to make a move. He doesn't.  
So he leans closer, pressing a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth. He notices that the others took a step back, leaving them the space they need. Louis silently thanks them.

«Maybe this is not the way it's supposed to end.» whispers Harry, staring at he ground.  
Louis smiles. «It's ok, love.» he says, and he knows he's lying. Harry knows too, and that's the worst thing.  
«I--» Harry starts, but Louis shuts him with a finger on his lips. He kisses his forehead, forcing his tears back. Harry doesn't need to see his tears, he thinks, and he realizes sadly that's even now he can't do anything but protect him. He wonders if someone will do it for him in London. He hopes.  
«I know.»  
And that's it, really. Harry turns to face the train and he leaves.

Louis feels the weight of Zayn's hand on his shoulder. He doesn't look at him.

*

Louis is driving home in the middle of April, coming back from a party at eight o'clock in the morning.  
He turns on the radio casually, feeling the silence of the empty road is too tight for him.  
«This is Radio 1, and if you're listening, we've got the pleasure of having here with us the famous Harry Styles to talk about the last single of his new album!»  
Louis swallows, and his body just refuses to act. He can't even shut up this goddam radio.  
«Yeah, thank you Finn. Uhm, this is my favourite song of the album, and I wrote it because it's about my plans from now on. I'm going back to Holmes Chapel, the city I've been raised, and after this record I think I'll need some time to rest. I left someone back there, and I feel like a part of me is missing. The most important one, actually.» He stops for a second. «So, well, hope you like it.» his voice sounds tired but happy.  
«Thank you, Harry. So, this is it my dearest followers! Coming Home by Harry Styles. Make sure yo buy the album!»  
The sound of an acoustic guitar fills the car, and the golden sun right in front of him shines brighter than it ever has.

Louis watches his fingers tapping lightly through the rhythm of the song, and he laughs.  
He laughs as hard as he can, feeling happiness running in his veins. He looks at his mobile phone, and there's a text from a number he could never forget.  
I'm coming home, it says, and Louis thinks, home is coming back to me too.

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote for the Christmas Exchange at [#thegays](https://www.facebook.com/groups/248428771916807/). The title is from the song "Ho Hey" by The Lumineers.  
> Please note that English is not my first language and this is unbeta'd, so every mistake is mine.


End file.
